Valentine Blues

It's been a weird couple of weeks leading to Febuary. I find myself more moody than usual - it almost feels like i have my "old" self back. You see, back when I wasn't a committed Christian yet, I was overly moody, and although I'm not overly moody now, I don't think I exude the joy that I should. Don't get me wrong - I'm not backsliding (at least I think I'm not) - I love God more than ever, I regularly spend time with Him, I give back to Him as much as I can. I try to serve Him and be faithful to what He has entrusted to me. BUt there's just a deep-seeted sadness in my soul lately. And just like anything BIG, I can't quite describe it or put my finger on the cause of it. Most likely it is the usual lot of things that get me down, such as my ever dramatic family problems, my personal insecurities, and top it off with the constant whisperings of the evil one in my head - lies that I do tend to believe in vulnerable times like these.

I guess my Valentine blues are not romantic in nature. But my valentine blues are caused by the trials and adversities of life. I really think I should be used to problems by now - after all, I did grow up in the midst of chaos and constant bickering - but I guess you never get used to the hard stuff of life. It almost makes me envious to see other people worry about a fight with their parents or siblings when I have to contend with deeper stuff. Not that I'm undermining the gravity of other people's problems, but the fights in our family are not as simple as mere misunderstandings - they go a lot deeper, much much deeper - the type of problems that you couldn't just get mad and lash out about. It's the type that paralyzes you - it freezes you coz you don't really know what to do. I guess that's how I've been the past few weeks - paralyzed and helpless.

But I surrender to my God. Although I think that a lot of the crappy stuff in my life right now are unneccessary, my wisdom will never compare to God's. And when God deems it necessary, who am I to contend with Him? But it's not easy. It takes real effort to constantly remind myself that nothing is an accident - that all the days of my life have been laid out before me before I was even born -

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. - Psalm 139:16

I have to constantly tell myself that the stuff in this world are temporal and that I can spend all my energy making things right in my own little world but lose it all in one blink of an eye - or I can choose to trust God and believe in His goodness, faithfulness and love, and that an eternity of unimaginable things await me.

So I still hold on to God even if there are days that I really want to let go. I guess it's different when you've experienced the goodness of God. To me, my Jesus is so REAL. He has seen me through the worst times of my life, and as I look back on these times, I'm just awestruck at how the Lord has worked things out. And I guess now is a low point - a majorly low point in my life. But I KNOW that one day, as I look back on this time, I will look back on it with fondness, and also with a sense of awe of how God really does work things out in our lives - if we only let Him. And I guess that is my prayer this day - that I will let God work things out in my life and that I wait on Him and His plans patiently.

This is the quote of my life right now.

"Were I to leave where else would I go? The words of life and truth you hold."

As for the verse of my life, I claim Habakkuk 3:17-18

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in god my Savior."