Who am I?

Who is the person who knows you best? Your parents perhaps? A brother, a sister, or maybe a best friend… but they don’t really know you, do they? Because no matter how much a person may think they know you, there will still always be a part of you that will be hidden to them – a facet of you they will never see; some hidden thought deep inside your head they will never hear. Or maybe you know yourself best… after all, you know every thought that runs through your head - you feel your feelings like no one else could - you dream dreams that are yours and yours alone. But do you really? Know yourself, I mean? Is there anyone in this world who can actually say they fully, truly know themselves?

Me, I don’t think I know myself at all. I can go so far as to tell you the things I like and the things I don’t. But I can tell you nothing beyond that. I don’t know why I like the things I like, why I yearn for the things I yearn for, or why I sometimes do the things I do. For instance, I know I like coffee, but I cannot really explain to you why I like it. I guess I love its taste and its soothing aroma… I like how it relaxes me and energizes me at the same time... but I can’t explain to you why it touches my soul unlike any other drink. It loosens me up and puts me in such great mood. You can almost get me drunk with it. You see? I cannot even explain to you why I like a single drink. I mean, why don’t I like tea as much? If I really knew myself, wouldn’t I be able to explain a thing as simple as that? “Why I like coffee over tea”. But I just can’t. Because at the end of the day, I don’t know why I feel the things I feel, and love the things I love. I am a stranger to myself.

It makes me realize how limited I am. How small.

They say that all the other animals in the natural world have their own “defense mechanisms”. Bees have their sting, lions have their canines, chameleons their camouflage, seals their blubber, the list goes on… but we men don’t. Men are born naked, vulnerable; having no natural defenses at all. And we don’t grow them in time either. We remain as vulnerable as we were born all throughout our lives.

We are also the only beings on earth who do not know our real purpose. I mean even the ants know their purpose from the day they are hatched. Bees know they are meant to forage for honey - they even know where to find it without anyone teaching them! Snakes know they are meant to hunt small mammals; elephants know they’re vegetarians. But we people, we are instinctively lost.

So, we are born naked, vulnerable and without a purpose. And, we hardly know ourselves. Great isn’t it? But I realize God meant us to be that way. When He created us, He purposed us to be naked. He designed us to be vulnerable. And He didn’t program a clear-cut purpose for us like he did the ants or the bees. Why? I believe that we are born naked so that we will realize and know that we need Him. We are vulnerable so we can depend on Him. And we are lost until we go to Him and seek the person who truly knows us.

Life is indeed a complicated thing to a mind as limited as ours. There is so much we don’t know and understand. But my hope is in one thing, and that is there is Someone up there who knows what He is doing. And more than that, He is committed to see me through this life – committed to guide, teach and love me. I know that someday, I will understand.

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to take the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of His grander plan, that is coming true

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into your loving arms
This much I know, I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes, God blessed the broken road
And lead me straight to you

This was a song shared to me by everdearest Katre. I think it is a song of hope for all those who made the mistake of giving their hearts to the wrong person at one point or another in their lives.

It actually hurtled me back in time when the Lord was healing the wounds of my heart from a broken relationship that ended some 9 years ago. I felt that I had MESSED UP big ime with this relationship and I really believed that I was doomed to carry the wounds of this mistake for the rest of my life. But the Lord threw me a statement that brought me to my knees... "Peggy, you can never make a mess big enough that I cannot clean it up."

Woah. Yes, its true. He says in Isaiah 1:18-20 - "Come now and let us argue this out, says the Lord. No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool. If you will only obey me and let me help you, then you will have plenty to eat. But if you keep turning away and refusing to listen, you will be destroyed by your enemies. I, the Lord, have spoken." He also says in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

And so slowly, I have learned to trust God more. I have learned to look at my past not as a stumbling block, but rather a stepping stone towards God's perfect plan for me. And I've come to realize that the Lord is bigger than my past, my mistakes, and my imperfect family. In fact, He was the one who designed my special and unique cup of suffering. It is this cup that would make me grow, heal my wounds and draw me nearer to Him.

I'm not saying that I've learned it all, or that it's easy. God knows there are still days of when a tinge of doubt clouds over my heart. But a single glance back at the road I've walked with the Lord these past 5 years drives all my doubts away. I'm just glad that at the end of the day, it is His GRACE that sustains me.

Deal With It.

I havent blogged in ages - and I've realized its because I don't want to deal with certain stuff in my life lately. I just want to forget about them, to pretend for a moment that such problems do not exist in my life. But I guess you can only run for so long. Undealt issues always have a knack of catching up with you when you least expect it. And so here I am.. crying, blogging.. dealing.

Lesson no. 1. Turn to God.
I haven't been doing this lately, actually, instead of turning to God, I turn AWAY from Him. And the effects of that are disastrous. After all, He is the only one who can comfort me, the only one who can heal me. I try to run away and nurse my wound on my own, but I'm no healer... I only end up hurting myself more. And so these past few days, the Lord has been teaching me to turn to Him for everything.. from the biggest hurts to the smallest disappointments.

Lesson no. 2. God knows what He's doing.
I've just recently finished the book of Revelations. I've read it before but I've never understood it as clearly as I do now. I'm just amazed at how everything has been planned out by God since the beginning of time. Even before He created you or me, or even Adam and Eve.. or even the angels... He already knew what was to happen. Everything from the creation, to the fall of man, to how God would redeem us by sending His son to die in our place.. even to things we have not yet seen and could only imagine... like the 2nd coming of Christ, how the saints who were martyred will reign with Him for 1000 years, how there will be judgement afterwards, and how God will take us with Him to the new Jerusalem... Its all been planned out.

So as God's children, we are SECURE. We will surely spend eternity with Him forever. He promises that "The dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev 21:3-4

It is sobering to realize how little we are in the greater scheme of things. How puny and utterly powerless. And how much better off we are to trust in God, who holds EVERYTHING at the palm of his hands.

Lord, I thank you for these lessons. Thank you for taking time to mold me into the person you want me to be. I love you.